I’m in Ohio for the weekend because my citizenship interview was scheduled for this morning. It was one of the silliest things I’ve ever done.

As the very first interview of the morning, I was expecting a lot of grumpiness on the part of my interviewer, but I guess the fact that I was well-prepared and English-speaking made him warm up to me pretty fast. I filled out some forms, then encountered my worst nightmare: THE ENGLISH TEST.

“Write this sentence.”

I prepare my arm, ready for a repeat of that cursive nightmare paragraph we always had to copy in the SATs about not cheating or whatever.

“The children were playing outside…”

I wrote it, and ended with a comma. Then I looked up at him. He looked at me quizzically. I changed it to a period and put the pen down.

PHEW.

He flipped the paper over and made me read a sentence. Then he told me I PASSED! Hooray! Now I’m all prepped for my exams ¬_¬ We moved on to important questions about my moral character.

Have you ever advocated the violent overthrow of a government by force?
What I was thinking: Define “advocate”? And “force”? And “overthrow”? …And “government”?
What I said: Nope!

Have you ever been a member of the Communist Party?
Good thing I’m not wearing my “Communist Party” sweatshirt–Thanks GDye.
Nope!


I know you’re skipping over the terrorist question! I can SEE it! Also, the right answers to all of these, which are no.

Have you ever been to jail or prison?
Well, there was that time I worked in a prison for two months in Jamaica.
Well, there was that time I worked in a prison for two months in Jamaica…so, only by choice?

Have you ever had an alcohol problem?
Nope, but if I were you I probably would.
Nope!

Do you believe in the system of government that this country upholds?
Well, I will once this administration leaves office…
Absolutely!

That particularly troubling game of cat-and-mouse over, we moved on to questions about American government. I had spent a whole ten minutes the night before memorizing the original 13 colonies (the hardest question possible!), but to my disappointment I didn’t get to bust out my knowledge…because he only asked me questions that I could’ve answered in 2nd grade. As in, when I got off the boat in 2nd grade. I think the toughest one was “What was the name of the boat that brought the pilgrims over?”

Then I was told that the interview was over, and that he would recommend my case to the powers that be. WHOOHOO! Now all that’s left is for me to attend a ceremony (and it has to be in Ohio, again…), swear in, and apply for a US Passport. I can almost see the light at the end of this 13-year-long tunnel!

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